1. BP CEO Tony Hayward, awaking from a 58-day coma, told a congressional committee he is “deeply sorry” for the massively destructive oil spill his company caused in the Gulf of Mexico.

I mean, that’s the only conceivable explanation for the lateness of this apology, right?

And, from the looking up synonyms for “touching” file: He also said he was “personally devastated” by the deaths of the 11 men aboard the Deepwater Horizon at the time of the explosion. He also mentioned that he “regrets” the “profound effect” those deaths had on the family members of those who perished.

Finally, he pledged that he “would not rest” until he “made it right“. Now that’s he’s just woken up from an epic two-month sleep, he’s got all the energy in the world.

2. Alberta Culture Minister Lindsay Blackett is backpedaling today after online backlash over his remarks about Canadian TV shows.

In yet another case of “why don’t people get that you can’t say in public what you say to a buddy at a bar,” Blackett said at a conference Monday “Why do I produce so much shit? Why do I fund so much crap?”

We have two words for Minister Blackett. Awesome News Nightly. We promise it won’t be crap. And if you hire us some more writers, it might even happen every day. And we could move to Alberta, I guess. They have the internet there, right?

3. In yet another case of “I didn’t know what could happen,” two senior Halifax fire officials are suing anonymous commenters from the mystical land of the internet.

The commenters, using handles “thetruth” and “intheknow,” commented on an article about alleged racism in the fire department. The fire officials have lobbied internet providers for ISP addresses and personal information about the users, and are suing for general and punitive damages. No statement of defense has been filed — put perhaps they haven’t checked their facebook  messages in a couple of days.

The moral here: NO ONE IS SAFE. ANONYMITY IS DEAD. 4CHAN BTARDS — RUN.

Just kidding. People on 4Chan are in no physical shape to run.

1. CBC News online is reporting that a Manitoba review panel has released its reasons for allowing Vince Li to take daily walks.

Perhaps it becomes more relevant when we mention that the walks are around his unfenced psychiatric hospital.

Oh, also, he’s the fellow that brutally murdered fellow passenger Tim McLean on a Greyhound bus nearly two years ago.

The CBC’s article doesn’t really mention the reasons the review panel listed, but does tell the whole grizzly story again. We suspect they posted the story, with it’s ever-so-clickable-and-slightly-deceiving title, for the same reason we are.

Wait, I thought we were calling out shoddy story choices? Oh irony. You’re my only friend.

2. A 17-year-old boy from Quebec has been charged after posting hateful racial comments on his Facebook page.

He has been charged twice, with uttering threats, and with inciting hatred on the internet.

Now, we’re no legal experts (though we did pass media law), but we’re pretty sure “inciting hatred on the internet” is the second most popular activity on the internet, after, well… of course.

I mean, has anyone in the Canadian legal system ever read the comments on YouTube? Or, god forbid — visited 4Chan?

3. Two Chicago Blackhawks heroes decided to take their new, 117 year old drinking buddy out for a night on the town.

Patrick Kane, who scored the game-winning goal in the Stanley Cup finals, and captain Jonathan Toews brought Lord Stanley’s Cup out clubbing with them last night.

When the celebrated journalists at TMZ asked Kane if he would get the ladies because of it, he said “I better.” Because that mean cut sure isn’t going to get the job done.

Come on man. You’re already an NHL player – you don’t need to show up with the best wingman ever.

4. It seems God may not like 62-foot tall foam statues of his only son. Who knew?

Yes, Touchdown Jesus, the landmark of the Solid Rock Church in Monroe, Ohio, has been struck down by the wrath of the all-mighty. The statue is now a smoldering hunk of metal.

Fear not, for Solid Rock assures us, Touchdown Jesus will return.

IN THE NEWS TODAY

1. U.S. President Barack Obama assured the world today that the ecosystem of the Gulf of Mexico will be “painful” for a while, but it will “bounce back.”

“I am confident that we’re going to be able to leave the Gulf Coast in better shape than it was before,” he said.

Of course by “we,” he means BP.

Well thanks for the pick-me-up Barry, but I think we kinda knew that.

2. Afghanistan! You’re rich!

A $1 trillion deposit of all the minerals modern life requires, like iron, cobalt, gold and lithium was discovered by Pentagon officials and American geologists.

The deposits could make Afghanistan a major world player in the raw minerals trade.

An internal memo from the Pentagon says, optimistically, that Afghanistan could become the “Saudi Arabia of lithium.”

An internal thought process from Awesome News says, pessimistically, that Afghanistan could become the “Sierra Leone of lithium.”

3. A study released by New York University shows that the murder rates in a community are likely to affect the IQs of the students who live there.

Especially if students are the victims.

(Editor’s note: are we allowed to rimshot our own jokes? CP doesn’t have guidelines here.)

4. The illustrious University of Waterloo football program has been put on hiatus after nine players tested positive for steroids.

The program is suspended for a year, while the school can conduct an internal review. Likely into why the players still can’t win games.

Players at nearby McMaster and Guelph were all tested, and came up negative.

Wilfrid Laurier players were not tested, because of a convenient “practice mixup.”

1. A former contestant on The Dating Game was sentenced to death today in a California courthouse.

The 66-year old man was convicted of kidnapping and murdering a 12-year-old girl and raping and murdering four Californian women in the 1970s.

In 1978, Rodney Alcala was a contestant — the winning one! — on The Dating Game. At the time he had been convicted of the rape of an eight-year-old girl, for which he served 34 months in prison.

No word yet on where he took the lucky lady contestant on their date.

2. TERRIFIC NEWS.

Eating as little as an Easter-egg’s worth of chocolate may lower your chances of having a heart attack or stroke, according to a new study.

The study was done by a the German Institute of Human Nutrition, which might seem a little shady, especially after it came out that the study was funded by the Kinderegg people.

Just kidding.

Over an eight-year study, people who ate slightly more than one bar of choclate per week had a 27 per cent reduction in the lilihood of having a heart attack, and a 48 per cent reduction in the chance of having a stroke.

This is the best time of year for this information.

3. In other health news, a leading sexual health expert is warning that gonorrhoea could become a “superbug” if doctors don’t come up with a new method of treatment.

Catherine Ison of Britain’s Health Protection Agency says the bacteria is “very clever”. She says some strains have started to show drug-resistance in Japan, Hong Kong, China and Australia.

Ison says the best course of action is to treat the bug with two different antibiotics at the same time.

1. Two Air Canada flights leaving from Montreal Tuesday morning had to land because of an unusual odour filling the cabin.

One flight bound for Halifax was forced to turn around. The odour was attributed to the cleaner used on the engine the night before.

The other made an “emergency” landing in Toronto, where passengers exited through the emergency doors – even though Toronto was its final destination anyways.

Which just means they wanted to use the slide.

2. . After a couple thousand Canadians gathered to protest, “Conservative” shock jock/actress Anne Coulter canceled her speech at the University of Ottawa because of security concerns.

Coulter was already on the attack against the school, who sent her a letter advising her on what is considered acceptable in Canada – that “promoting hatred against any identifiable group would not only be considered inappropriate, but could in fact lead to criminal charges.”

Kind of like “she did” Monday night at the University of Western Ontario, when “she said” that all Muslims were terrorists and should be forced to ride flying carpets.

Coulter took this as a threat, and “she said” the school is “threatening to criminally prosecute me for my speech there on Monday!“

Her three school tour of Canada finishes at the University of Calgary on Thursday.

3. A report released Tuesday shows that Canadians aren’t getting enough vitamin D.

I wonder why.

4. Oh, and there was some thing about American’s getting health care. All we know is a pretty epic photo that came out of it. It’s like Obama is making fun of everyone who liked taking out a loan when they fell off the ladder.

Oh, and this happened.

Washington is badass.

1. Toronto Councillor Adrian Heaps’ furry fetish made the front page today, after it became public that he expensed $439.50 to the city to rent some rather horrid chipmunk, dalmation, and bear costumes in February of last year.

The costumes were rented for an annual public skating party, to “entice more kids to come out and learn how to skate,” said Heaps.

He also spent the money again this year to rent the costumes, as Heaps said the budget is to “communicate with their community and their constituents in a variety of ways.”

Heaps, who sits on the city’s budget committee, recommended a5 per cent cut to the councillors allowable expenses and spent $47,650.81 of the $53,052.08 allowed last year.

2. Ottawa is feeling indulgent as they prepare to host the G8 and G20 summits, hiring Vancouver designer Bruce Forster for $166,500.

They said they want a Canadian fine art theme, as well as floral arrangements.

The G8, in Huntsville, Ontario, and the G20, in Toronto, are both a day and a half long.

The contract is expected to be finalized Friday, unless someone gives Forster a non-confidence vote. Unlikely, because they have said Forster is the only one capable of doing this.

That doesn’t seem entirely accurate.

3. In a true St. Patrick’s day miracle, police in Gallatin, Tennessee chased down and captured two leprechauns, and were rewarded with a pot of gold.

And then they shot the leprechauns.

The leprechauns, in this scenario, were two men dressed in costumes, who got into a high-speed shoot-out as they fled police after robbing First State Bank.

Is it really necessary to get in the spirit of the holiday when you’re ruining someone’s day? Can’t we do it the old fashioned way?

4. When you die, you can’t take it with you. Two robbers, one wearing a fedora, made sure of this, as they stole $7,000 worth of jewelry from a woman at Toronto East General Hospital, just moments before she died.

The family had just left her side to get a coffee when the robbers, who were going room to room through the hospital, struck.

Hospital spokesperson Penny Walcott said she believes this is the only person to be robbed.

1. An arrest has been made in connection with Corey Haim’s death, the 80s child star who is rapidly becoming more famous dead than alive.

The arrest was made in what is turning out to be a massive drug ring in California, but the Attorney General is not releasing details of the arrest.

Pharmacy records indicate that the Toronto-born actor may have obtained thousands of prescription pills in the months leading up to his death. Nevertheless, Haim’s manager, Mark Heaslip, insists that Haim didn’t die of an overdose, but perhaps a “drug reaction,” reports the Toronto Star.

Seems like this is becoming the PR-line of choice these days.

Haim died after collapsing at the Los Angeles apartment he shares with his mother on March 10.

2. An Edmonton man demonstrated his talent for hitchhiking… the wrong way.

The 19-year-old man was chillin by the side of the road in Northern Ontario, when he decided to thumb down a ride with the wrong finger. Turns out it was a cop car, and they didn’t like being flipped off.

To add injury to insult, the man was found in possession of two stolen credit cards, a stolen GPS, a stolen iPod charger and a stolen BlackBerry.

3. TTC Chair Adam Giambrone spent less than he did in 2008, but according to the 2009 city expenses report, the chair of the Better Way paid for $3,000 worth of taxis with taxpayer money.

In the most hilarious circumstance, Giambrone expensed a taxi ride home after filming an episode of his TV show, “Ride the Red Rocket,” which was filmed on a streetcar.

In an email to the Toronto Star, Giambrone said there are “sometimes when taxis are needed due to time constraints or what I am carrying with me (i.e. files).”

Dude, my mom carried my brother, a stroller and like, a million pounds of baby stuff on public transit for like, five years.

Then she said “screw this” and adopted him out.

I miss him.

4. Come on.

TTC Driver drives drunk, might get fired.

Nope, that’s it. It’s like Sarah Palin — too easy.

1. Prime Minister Stephen Harper decided to take a page out of B-Rock’s book and play it hip with the kids.

The PM had a live videochat on YouTube this evening, answering questions sent in by users.

In an internet lolsy moment, the most asked-question out of the 2,000 submitted was about the legalization of marijuana, according to the CBC. Harper fought the urge to respond in the manner of the medium, and instead said that drugs damage society.

“We all need to make sure our kids understand, not just that our kids … hopefully not just understand the damage drugs can do to them, but they understand as well the wider social disaster they are contributing to if they, through use of their money, fund organizations that produce and deliver illicit narcotics,” he said, while apparently being distracted by knowyourmeme.com.

His next comment, though muffled, sounded suspiciously like a “Yo Dawg” joke.

2. In an “unfortunate happening of timing,” according to Hamilton Police Superintendent John Petz, a murder suspect walked in and out of the provincial courthouse in Hamilton today without being apprehended.

Twenty-one-year-old Joshua Warner is wanted in connection with the gun death of Brandon Musgrave, who was shot in the head at a student house party early last Saturday morning.

Apparently, Warner showed up to the courthouse this morning for previous charges of possession and left after the hearing.

Staff Sergeant Ian Matthews said never in his “wildest dreams” would he expect someone wanted for murder to show up for a different charge, nor did they know about the court date, which explains why Warner seemed to slip between their fingers.

Warner is still at large.

3. Ex-politician Colin Thatcher’s book about murdering his wife will not turn out to be a source of income, according to a new law in Saskatchewan.

Justice Minister Don Morgan says the new law, which prevents convicted criminals from profiting off their crime, means that money from the sales of Thatcher’s book will probably not be able to go to his three children, either.

“You know, I wouldn’t want to see the money in Mr. Thatcher’s hands either directly or indirectly,” Morgan told the CBC.

That’s nice. So those kids don’t get money or a mom.

1. Ghandi is not impressed, but rather, quite confused.

Thailand’s Red Shirt protesters, calling for the reinstatement of former Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra and dissolution of parliament, and threatening blood if their demands aren’t met.

Organizers are asking for blood from every protester, with the goal of collecting 1,000 litres to be poured on Government House if their demand isn’t met by Tuesday evening.

The Red Cross is a little perturbed by this, as the blood could be used to save a lot of lives, not to mention how dangerous the collection method could be.

2. Georgians were in a panic Saturday night over a mock broadcast showing their country being invaded.

This sounds familiar.

The program, planned as a political satire, depicted Russia invading Georgia. Which loses a lot of it’s comparisons to an alien invasion when the same scenario happened two years ago.

I think this gives Georgians a reason to be jumpy.

The broadcast showed a disclaimer at the beginning of the program, but once the panic began to spread, the station began running a ticker apologizing.

3. Two girls, doing their best Thelma and Louise, hit a little snag that neither Thelma or Louise never had to deal with.

The two girls, one 18, the other 19, attempted to steal a car, but the owner wasn’t quite ready to give it up.

The owner of the Buick LeSabre latched onto the hood and didn’t let go until the girls forcefully removed him – and removed the car from commission at the same time.

4. I don’ t know the rules for a dog show, but something like this should not win.

1. A hospital in New York seriously needs to consider retraining their staff.

The family of a 93-year-old woman, who had admitted herself because of trouble breathing, was told she was dead.

When the family went to see the body, they found she wasn’t dead, but rather, quite alive.

The family is considering suing, but maybe they should wait until they’re sure the hospital was wrong with their original diagnosis. You never know.

2. More hospital hijinx!

A nurses union in Holland is launching a nation-wide campaign to try to raise awareness that they are not prostitutes, despite what many patients seem to believe.

After a 24-year-old nurse refused a 42-year-old man who had been requesting sexual gratification, because other nurses had been doing so, the man tried to fire her.

The campaign is being called “I Draw the Line.”

3. Lindsay Lohan hates babies (you can’t write that – Ed.) is not happy.

The actress(?)/singer(?) has launched a $100-million suit against E-Trade over their talking baby ad.

In the ad, 18-month-old McAllister Kerr, from Oakville, ON, gets in a fight with his girlfriend, who asks “Are you sure that milkaholic Lindsay wasn’t over?”

Lohan’s lawyers say she’s achieved single name status, and the commercial is a parody of her life.

The company that made the ad says the name Lindsay, the 302nd most common name in the U.S., was picked because it was the name of someone on staff.

I don’t know what Lohan’s complaining about, shouldn’t she be proud of this designation?

4. Because you can never have enough Olympics…

Edmonton’s water utility provider, EPCOR, has released an incredible graph of water usage during the Canadian men’s gold medal hockey game.

Canada: Not just blades of steel, but bladders as well.