Nothing news-worthy happened in the last 74 days. What’s important is what’s…
IN THE NEWS TODAY
1. U.S. President Barack Obama assured the world today that the ecosystem of the Gulf of Mexico will be “painful” for a while, but it will “bounce back.”
“I am confident that we’re going to be able to leave the Gulf Coast in better shape than it was before,” he said.
Of course by “we,” he means BP.
Well thanks for the pick-me-up Barry, but I think we kinda knew that.
2. Afghanistan! You’re rich!
A $1 trillion deposit of all the minerals modern life requires, like iron, cobalt, gold and lithium was discovered by Pentagon officials and American geologists.
The deposits could make Afghanistan a major world player in the raw minerals trade.
An internal memo from the Pentagon says, optimistically, that Afghanistan could become the “Saudi Arabia of lithium.”
An internal thought process from Awesome News says, pessimistically, that Afghanistan could become the “Sierra Leone of lithium.”
3. A study released by New York University shows that the murder rates in a community are likely to affect the IQs of the students who live there.
Especially if students are the victims.
(Editor’s note: are we allowed to rimshot our own jokes? CP doesn’t have guidelines here.)
4. The illustrious University of Waterloo football program has been put on hiatus after nine players tested positive for steroids.
The program is suspended for a year, while the school can conduct an internal review. Likely into why the players still can’t win games.
Players at nearby McMaster and Guelph were all tested, and came up negative.
Wilfrid Laurier players were not tested, because of a convenient “practice mixup.”
